Technology that leaves me completely baffled

I’m no Luddite but some modern technology leaves me completely, and utterly, baffled.
In the November 2018 edition of this excellent magazine I rambled on about the rear parking sensors on my (then) new car and how SWMBO had not quite got the hang of how it actually worked on a trip to Devon. It was almost wall 1, Focus 0.
All is now well with this particular piece of kit and both of us have fully-immersed ourselves in its usefulness and its shortcomings.
The subject of my latest anti-tech rant is the auto start-stop function on said car.
At first sight it is a wonderful piece of kit, designed to help me do my bit to save our planet by temporarily cutting the engine in certain situations.
These include any instances when you put your car into neutral, apply the handbrake fully and remove all feet (generally two) from the pedals.
This enables you to sit at traffic lights, emission free, whilst doing that smug Churchill-the-dog thing (other insurance providers are available) of nodding your head sagely. Oooh, yes.

It will come as no surprise to my reader, if you have struggled on valiantly to this point, that there is now an issue with the technology.

Having happily helped my emission-reducing efforts for around 18 months it decided to stop working.
And as with all modern cars, there’s a symbol for that which pops on your control panel, sorry, instrument cluster.
When the afore-mentioned stop-start was working a bright green ‘A’ symbol popped up on the display, disappearing only when you engaged the clutch to restart the engine, put the car into gear and roared away from the traffic lights.
That was the well-rehearsed scenario until about a month ago (at the time of writing in mid-January).
On this occasion I followed the usual rules at the traffic lights and – the engine did not cut out.
Instead of the reassuring green ‘A’ symbol there was a mucky grey ‘A’ with a line through it.
A temporary blip, I assumed, so when I returned home I thought “I know what. I’ll break the habit of a lifetime and consult the car’s manual.”
That very helpfully told me the grey ‘A’ plus line meant auto-stop start was not available but offered no remedies.
Before booking the car in at the local dealership I thought I’d have a quick shifty on the internet, which usually has the answer to everything you want to know, and lots more besides.
The results were very interesting. It seems my auto start-stop failure was not (surprise, surprise) affecting just one driver in Suffolk.
It transpires that as well as having the car in neutral, handbrake fully on and feet off the pedals, you also need to have the car’s wheels completely straight, the car has to be above a certain temperature, there mustn’t be too much strain on the car battery (i.e. don’t have the radio on, dash cam plugged in, heating on) and you have to have driven a fair, but unspecified, number of miles etc. etc.
The vehicle has now been in to the dealership to have the problem investigated. I guess this entailed plugging it into a computer and re-booting it.
I was told it had been sorted. But two weeks on and the function has stopped working again. But then sometimes it DOES work.
Which is totally frustrating and leave me wondering why car manufacturers bother with what on the face of it is excellent technology but which will only work under certain conditions.
Needless to say I have now turned this function off. And, in my bid to help save the planet, I’ll simply turn the engine off in the old-fashioned way when stopped by red lights or in a non-moving queue.
I wonder if the manufacturer will give me a rebate as I am not using one of its fancy gizmos?

Respect choice as well as belief

Are you observing Veganuary? I am not. I have absolutely nothing against vegans, which is lucky as ethical veganism is now a belief system protected under the Equality Act, making it unlawful to discriminate against vegans.
But as a fully-paid up member of the bacon and roast beef brigade I expect my views and choices, even if not actually a belief upheld by the law, to be respected. Thank you.

I AM pleased to announce that I have been able to cross another item off my to-do list – Dry January. Completed it on January 3, a new record for me.

It was an image I just can't get out of my head

Do you sometimes have an image you just can’t get out of your head? I have this scenario as I write, almost three months after the event in question.

There’s no other way to say it so here goes – why did the reformed Pussycat Dolls, performing on Celebrity X-Factor, have to look like a group of backstreet strippers?

(Note to SWMBO – I have NO idea what a group of backstreet strippers look like but am just writing this for effect).

Now I am no prude, as anyone who knows me will testify, but what on earth was going on?

It was a Saturday night, before the watershed on a programme that is aimed at all ages but is, in my view, predominantly watched by youngsters. And the majority of those young people would have been girls.

All I can say is – brilliant role modelling, not. People may call me old-fashioned but I do worry about our young people.

In my day (did I really just write that?) role models were sportsmen and women, well-dressed pop stars, older members of the family etc.

I think what made it even worse was the smirk on Simon Cowell’s face whenever the cameras left the cavorting Dolls.

I may be a little cynical but could the 400-plus complaints to Ofcom be viewed by him and his team as great publicity?

While on the subject of celebrities, I have a suggestion for future pre-election political debates.

The build-up to the recent General Election was the normal “he said that” and “she promised this” ping-pong on various television shows.

To make it more believable and entertaining for the electorate I suggest that in future the leaders of the various political parties take part in a gameshow – “I’m a Politician, get me out of here”.

Contestants, sorry, leaders, would face a series of daily challenges (such as Give A Straight Answer To A Straight Question, Spot The Lie and I’ll Name That Policy In One).

Then, at the end of each day of a two-week period, the public vote to keep their favourite in the game.

Potential Prime Ministers would gradually fall by the wayside until one man/ woman is left standing.

You heard it here first.