Fifty shades of grey

I have not read the book (I'd rather put red hot pokers down my finger nails. Hang on a minute - I don't need to read it) and I don't believe my dear wife has either, but this prose, purportedly written by Pam Ayres, must be shared. Enjoy.

The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;...t'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, and at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared; the sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope; and in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor, and then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well; she's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind; could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse; she toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet; a couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel, you'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction for the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked, bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; my God what had I done!

She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more; of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair, turned fifty shades of grey!